Friday began with breakfast in front of the sea. Usually on Fridays my husband and I sit down to have coffee in various cafes or restaurants but due to the situation all restaurants are closed and allow only Take aways, which is what we did. We chose a restaurant that serves crazy delicious Georgian food by the sea, we chose a breakfast that included Hachapuri, which is basically a dough filled with cheese, a real paradise, next to the pastry we also took two cups of coffee and sat down with the whole package on a bench facing the sea.
It’s something we wouldn’t do naturally, take take away to sit on a bench, we would usually prefer to sit comfortably in a restaurant, but we really enjoyed sitting in the open air like that, just the two of us talking freely.
On Saturday, we went to the sea with the kids. In general, it is still not allowed to go to the beach because of the Corona but we could not resist and miss a sunny and warm day like it was yesterday. So we dressed the kids in swimsuits, cut watermelon and went to the beach for the first time since last summer.
The kids were happy, they ran around, put out energy and had a lot of fun, they came home tired and satisfied. I love summer and I’m excited it’s already here.
I haven’t been here for a long time because of unfortunate cause. At the end of March I lost a dear person, one who was close to my heart and it shook my world, made me very sad and bring me a lot of thoughts.
Photo: Danielle Aluf
This is the first loss I have ever experienced and unfortunately it touched my family and left me pensive and empty beyond the pain and longing.
At this time of my life, and by choice, I am not surrounded by friends and I am dealling with this loss with only a small number of family members. I still haven’t told anyone out loud about what happened, I’ve never said it out loud to anyone, “He’s dead.”
Photo: Danielle Aluf
My grief is a bit complex and different from the norm, but what is certain is that I feel a daily need to express my feelings and ease my heart and head.
Sometimes there are not enough words to describe the storm coming from within, so I set up the group on Facebook of Haiku songs called “haiku israel”, songs with only three lines. Songs that shoot with emotion and describe the atmosphere and the feelings in a minimum of words.
Photo: Danielle Aluf
Below are some of the Haiku poems I wrote following the loss;
“Everything has a year tag
The old songs that left you time
They hit my stomach now”
“I want to embrace the one that has never hugged me
Hold his hand that may have lost its feel
Wants to catch his eye and float with him in the dark”
Photo: Danielle aluf
“In the open air I’m with a puffy chest
Aspiring and exhaling, there are written rules
Against all odds, I will keep you alive”
I miss you every day that goes by and I promise you,
I’ll hold your hand in mine until my last day.
Anyone who has known me for the past six years has known my new version, the latest update. Six years ago, and throughout my 20s, I lived a life of uncompromising hedonism. I spent almost every day of the week drinking a lot of alcohol and cigarette smoke emissions was always part of my image. I was, and I am still, a person who could not enjoy anything, anything, to the extent. When I drank, I drank to the point of obscurity and when I smoked, I smoked until my lungs burned and my hair smelled like an ashtray. Thank goodness I went through this period in one piece and thanks to that I can also say I’m sorry but I am not sorry or feeling any regret about my past. I have reached my thirties saturated with experiences, I won’t look back and regret that I did not live, did not travel, did not wander aimlessly, did not meet people without any special interest, all that I did and not only once. I ended the second decade of my life tired of my extreme life and night life. I realized that my body and mind needed something different. But that’s not what made me stop drinking and smoking.
The ability to stop living a life you have been accustomed to or stop consuming alcohol, quit smoking, eat chocolate, meat, carbohydrates, or actually stop anything else that has put you in a turbulence that is hard to step out from, must come from understanding, a deep, meaningful enlightenment that will let you examine the situation from the side, you will be able to look at yourself from a higher angle. I remember that moment, that very moment when I realized that my life had to change, I remember it well. A taxi dropped me off under the apartment I used to live in, after a long night out when I was drunk as hell, I lit a last cigarette before going to bed. As I slowly made my way toward the entrance to the building, I realized; These people I spent the night with, who are actually locking in the night and coming to their home, they are good friends, I spend the time with them just as I wanted, but if the body betrays me beacuse of the destructive life I managed, they might be sorry for me but they don’t really Or will be an essential part of me. I realized that I was probably pushing aside the really important things that would build me as a person and advance me later in my life. If you want to get out of some situation you must think about what really matters, we set out on this world air alone and so do we leave it, we must surround ourselves in a enveloping, good and loving environment and we must know that we have done what is possible to extend our stay here. Don’t be sorry when it’s too late, try not to be helpless.
Then the enlightenment came, but I felt I wasn’t strong enough to cut off the habits I loved so much. But this was the most significant step in the rehabilitation process. I took this recognition in mind as I continued to live my normal life, but I already had a stick on wheels that never stopped making problems and ruined every night’s out and all the lighting of a cigarette. That was the beginning of the beginning – and it’s not a mistake. My restoration is a start. point. I believe that because of this understanding, I began to see the things that mattered to me and as if my spatial vision was beginning to clear. I knew my husband and started to build a home.
So yeah, I stopped drinking and smoking in one day, the day I found out I was pregnant but it didn’t lower the value of the acts. Certainly some would say that this is not a big deal because the condition requires me to quit but I see the picture differently and the fact that I did not return to drink or smoke even 5 years after giving birth proves that the process I went through was profound and meaningful. I believe that to make a real change you have to go through a self-examination and a real understanding of what is important in our lives and what is less.
So after watching the positive answer of the pregnancy test, I lit a cigarette with the understanding that it would be the last one. Standing there on the porch and not copying my eyes from the cigarette, I realized in real time that it was a great moment that I would like to remember, a moment I would be proud of, and I really am, very proud of it. I was only able to smoke half a cigarette from that last cigarette.